We are in an unprecedented time in modern history. Around the world people are experiencing dramatic and abrupt upheavals on many levels. Worldwide economic and political instability, seemingly intractable ongoing warfare in several countries, plus the ongoing anxiety-provoking climate issues. And all of this is at a time when we are still dealing with the repercussions of the Covid pandemic (and with the threat of further pandemics to come), mean that most of us are dealing with grief and loss on some level.
Many of my clients are experiencing uncertainty, change and loss in their workplaces. Many have had to face the loss of economic stability due to redundancies. They feel their lives are falling apart, that they are falling apart, and they don’t know how to cope with all these changes.
While change and loss are simply a normal part of life, we are currently enduring extraordinary levels of anxiety, fear, confusion, loss of employment and the trauma of our daily routines being totally disrupted. We’re trying to grapple with the unknown and are confused about our future. Life doesn’t seem to make sense anymore. People are not being given adequate time to grieve, bereave, mourn and feel sorrow about their losses on multiple fronts.
So how can we best support ourselves through the changes and loss we face? In this six-part series I will look at traditional models of grief and give some general guidelines to care for ourselves through this process. The second post gives an overview on the top theoretical perspectives on grief, followed by an in-depth look at several of these theories. Finally, I will provide a practical grief support worksheet, and a guide to supporting others who are working through grief.
How do we understand the grieving process?
Traditionally the model used to support clients dealing with loss has been based on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s work. A Swiss-American psychiatrist, Kubler-Ross was a pioneer in near-death studies, and author of the internationally best-selling book, On Death and Dying (1969), where she first discussed her theory of the five stages of grief. These stages are not linear, and some people may not experience any of them, while others might only undergo one or two stages rather than all five, but most of us tend to cycle through these stages a number of times.
The stages were first observed as a human response to learning about terminal illness, however these are normal reactions we have to tragic news. In fact, she called them defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms that we need to move through in order to manage all kinds of change. These stages are:
1 Denial
For most of us, change or loss initially feels surreal. This is the initial “NO” response, the rejection of the loss. It feels like we’re going to wake up from a dream. We can have moments of awareness followed by moments of complete disbelief. We can be aware of loss on an intellectual level, but emotionally still be unable to accept what has happened.
2 Anger
Anger is a natural response when we feel that our life or way of being is being threatened, or that something has been taken from us. It is our natural fight or flight response. We struggle when we feel out of control. When change happens quickly, where there is no end in sight, it can become a more entrenched fear, and anger is a surface emotion above fear.
3 Bargaining
During this phase, people may bargain about what could have been or what could be. For example, if it had only been handled like x, we wouldn’t be in this situation. If that hadn’t happened initially, then we wouldn’t be here today. Or, let me just have a little more time, and then I’ll let it go. This is part of the natural desire to both feel some sense of control, and to hold on to what we do not want to lose.
4 Depression
This phase is where we are really feeling the pain of loss, and coming to terms with our powerlessness to change the situation. It is at this point that people often feel sad, lonely, hopeless, helpless, and anxious. Again, this is a natural physiological response to threat. We may have difficulty eating or sleeping, or low motivation. Usually we move through this phase naturally as we gradually heal from the loss and start to move forward again.
5 Acceptance
In this final stage, we have accepted the loss. We have put in place strategies that help us feel better and get us through the day. We regain some sense of control. That’s not to say that there aren’t mood swings, missing what has been lost or anxiously wanting things to be back to our old normal again. The fight or flight experience will be gone. We experience moments of joy and satisfaction that uplift through the process of rebuilding the structure of our daily lives.
Understanding the waves of grief
One moment we can be coping well, moving forward and adjusting to
the changes, the next we can be falling apart, feeling we are still stuck
in grief and loss. While this can be frustrating, it is a natural process
as we adapt to both the loss and the changes moving forward.
The Dual Process Model, developed by Margarate Stroebe and Henk Schut, reframes grief as an ongoing dance between these two kinds of experiences: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented. It is normal that people will experience oscillation – a process of jumping back and forth between these two emotional processes while we cope with a loss.
Loss-Oriented
During the loss-oriented process, we express our grief through powerful grief-related emotions. As we begin to recognize the reality of the loss and confront our own emotions, Stroebe and Schut say that we will face “loss-oriented stressors”. These stressors include triggers like thoughts, feelings, actions, places, people, anniversaries, and memories that cause us to focus on the loss. This is part of the natural response to loss. And it’s how we gradually begin to confront and process the reality of the loss.
Restoration-Oriented
Restoration-oriented responses involve practical and emotional steps in adapting to the new reality. We construct a new identity and role for ourselves out of the pieces of our old life by involving ourselves in positive new behaviours and opportunities. These can bring emotional reactions that vary from relief and pride that we have mastered a new skill or taken the courage to go out alone, to anxiety and fear that we will not succeed, or despair at feeling profoundly alone in our experiences.
Oscillation
The key part of the dual process model is the “oscillation,” or the idea of jumping back and forth between loss-oriented responses and restoration-oriented responses. Initially much of our time and energy will be spent in the loss-oriented mode, with minimal efforts at restoration. Over time the restoration activities will become more predominant as we adapt to our new reality, and the waves of loss become less intense.
So how does this help us deal with grief?
Grief is one of those emotions that has a life of its own. It contains every
other feeling within it, and sometimes there’s no way to understand it.
Even so, we have to find a way through. Not every tool will be right
every day. That’s okay. Pick what resonates. Leave the rest.
It is normal to feel like your world has changed
Loss shakes the ground under our feet. We question everything – our beliefs, who we are, what matters to us, and where we’re going. It can seem unbelievable that the rest of the world is still continuing as normal after such a loss. Walking around unable to concentrate and forgetting things often happens in the beginning while we are trying to process the changes. We may find ourselves behaving differently, or wanting to make changes in our lives, but the standard advice is to be wary of making any big decisions in the period immediately following death and loss.
Name the secondary losses
Grief is rarely about just one thing. A death might also mean the loss of routine, community, financial stability, or future dreams. The end of a marriage may also mean the loss of your identity as a partner, or your sense of safety, friendships, future dreams, and your family home. Naming these secondary losses matters. It also helps explain why you might feel like you’re grieving ten things at once – because you are. These losses deserve to be witnessed, too. You might be surprised how much you’ve been holding silently.
Accept there’s a lot you don’t know
When our world has suddenly shifted it is natural to want answers, to want to understand what happened and why and what we could have done. What we don’t understand is that there is often power in surrendering to the unknown. In coming to accept that we no longer have control over what happens to us, we realise that what we are in uncharted territory, and we must find our way forward without knowing all the answers.
Know when to reach for support. Grief can feel isolating – but it doesn’t have to be done alone. In fact, humans are wired to grieve together. In many cultures, grief is communal. Shared. Held by others until the griever can hold it themselves. Let people witness you. Friends who simply sit with you can be healing beyond words. You don’t need advice. You need presence. You don’t have to be strong. You have to be real.
Allow time and space
Recognising that grief needs time and allowing space for the process to unfold gives you permission to hold the memories, honour them, and still keep moving. We may feel that it’s too much and we don’t know how we will be able to survive the pain. After a few months, or years, we can feel that we have no right to still feel so bad now and then. We want to refuse to let it get to us anymore. Each stage brings memories and raw wounds, especially once you start hitting anniversaries and special occasions. We may also feel guilty for the moments when we are enjoying ourselves, feeling that this is somehow betraying the loss we felt, but this is an important part of being able to move forward.
Fear and anxiety are normal
Understand the fear and anxiety will be temporary as you begin to deal
with a life that may have profoundly changed.
Having to deal with new situations naturally provokes anxiety, as does the sense that our sense of stability and safety can vanish in a moment. This can shake our confidence in our ability to cope with all the practical tasks that are involved in reorienting and rebuilding. When the anxiety is high, focus on creating small spaces of safety, warmth, and companionship. Reassure yourself that you have worked through change in the past, and you have the resources to deal with this, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.
Self-care, self-care, self-care
The shock of loss is all encompassing. To handle such trauma we need to feed and care for ourselves first and foremost. Try to stick to a routine, give yourself more breaks, try not to take on any more stress. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and exercise, eat well and regularly, and connect with others. Self-care is personal, so do what works for you: meditating, taking time out, journaling, talking with friends and family, engaging with sports and hobbies, talking with a counsellor, getting out into nature, slowing down, admitting when you’re not coping, and learning to nurture yourself. Do the basic things you know you need, the things that will nurture and strengthen you.
Practice self-compassion, not self-improvement
Grief is not something to perform “well.” You don’t get points for being stoic, you don’t have to be doing great. You only have to be honest. Instead of rehearsing old beliefs such as “I should be stronger”, “I should be over this”, or “I shouldn’t need so much”, try offering yourself what compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff calls the three pillars of self-compassion:
- Mindfulness – “This is really hard.”
- Common humanity – “Others feel this too.”
- Self-kindness – “I can be gentle with myself.”
Grief also lives in the body
Grief is not just emotional. It’s physical.
Accept that you may feel foggy, fatigued, tense, breathless. You may sleep too much or not at all. You may find your appetite gone, or suddenly craving comfort foods you haven’t touched in years. This isn’t imagined – it’s your nervous system working overtime to process change, loss, and longing. When we experience deep emotional pain, our vagus nerve – the body’s communication highway between the brain and the heart, gut, and lungs – can go into survival mode. That’s why grief can feel like both heartache and hypervigilance. Body-based practices, such as walking or yoga, are powerful in helping us co-regulate through loss.
Get professional help
If you’re feeling numb for weeks, unable to function, or caught in a loop of guilt or despair, therapy can help. Grief-informed therapists, support groups, and spiritual counsellors can offer safe containers for processing. Reach out when:
- You feel stuck or numb for weeks at a time
- You’re struggling to function in daily life
- You feel isolated, overwhelmed, or hopeless
A note on delayed grief. Sometimes, grief doesn’t show up right away. It may be tucked beneath survival tasks, buried under caretaking, or hidden by social expectations. It might surface years later – when a smell unlocks a memory, or when another loss reactivates the old one. That’s not failure. That’s timing. Grief arrives when it feels safe enough to do so.
Final Thoughts
Grief reshapes how we see the world. It reshapes who we are and how we love. Loss brings us face to face with our deepest fears and our deepest values. It strips away what’s unnecessary. It informs us of what matters. And it brings us face to face with the unspoken truth of being human: that love and loss are inextricably linked.
If you’re grieving, know this: you’re not broken. You’re responding to something that deeply mattered. Let that mattering guide you. Let it teach you
And remember, you are not alone.